Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize