My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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