she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
