I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize