White coat. Heels.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
