How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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