went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
