im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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