The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
