Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
