I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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