just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My penis needs a shock collar
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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