Yo dont text me then not text me
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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