when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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