its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
