Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
