Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
