just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
