Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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