Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
