i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
