I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
