You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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