Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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