my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
