Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
