I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
