i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
