I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
