so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
His hands were made for my vagina.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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