We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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