i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
