i think my mom watched the whole time
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
