You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
