I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
