no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
