saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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