I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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