I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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