mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
