so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Come share oat with me in your robe
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
