508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize