Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize