she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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