I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
