I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
