he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
