i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
