The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you would pick up someone in the library
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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