Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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