Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
