well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
