Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
