Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
