Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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