saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
