I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
