More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize