now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
