drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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