The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
