I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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